Ten and Two

This was pretty cute eleven years ago when I didn't have the foresight to think about the reality of the day my girls would start driving, when I was so caught up in the cuteness of my kids, when I could walk behind the Barbie Jeep and stop it with one hand if I needed to... 

And out of nowhere, Cambria finished her online Drivers' Ed course. She turned 15 on November 21st, and on December 4th, she got her permit!!

I have been told this is a good thing. I am trying to convince myself to believe the people who have said that this is a good thing because right now I'm little stuck in the bittersweetness of it all.

I do have to compliment Cam for doing a fantastic job in her first two weeks of being someone with permission to drive, granted by the Great State of Texas.

I am sure Heidi Murkoff is a wonderful person - after all, she held our hands through every single one of the "What to Expect When You're..." (Expecting...In the First Year...In the Second Year) books, and we appreciated her for that and we turned to her for advice - to make sure we weren't completely screwing things up in those first 33 months of our little human's lives.

I am a little bit disappointed that there isn't a book titled, "What to Expect When You're Sitting in the Front Passenger Seat with Your New Driver" because that would have been super helpful right about now.

Just saying...

Our first official outing was to Target (of course it was). Before we left our house, she had these "guidelines" for me:

1. "You're going to have to tell me when to go if there are a lot of cars. If there aren't a lot of cars, you just have to trust me."
2. "If I'm not all the way in my lane, you have to tell me, but say it quietly - not in a loud voice - because I have to concentrate."
3. "You can't hang on to the "oh $hi+ bar" because that makes me feel like you don't have confidence in me."
4. "There is a big difference between saying STOP and saying slow down, so think before you say it or I might accidentally slam the brakes for no reason."
5. "At stoplights, you might have to remind me when to go and when to not go." 

Fair enough...I completely appreciated the heads up she gave me! 

As we walked out to the car and Cam hopped into the drivers' seat (where she looked like she was six years old all over again), Jordan gave me a few of her own directives:

1. "You can't talk to her while she's driving."
2. "She can't have the radio on."
3. "Make her concentrate."
4. "Don't let her be a distracted driver."
5. "Buckle your seatbelt and hang on tight - but not on that handle because it makes her nervous."

Y'all, my girl is serious when she's driving. Ten and two. Laser-like focus. Love it. 

At the first stoplight we came to, she said, "Thank God - my eyes were about to water. I can blink now!"

Sometimes we go really, really slow in places that don't imply slowness, and that's okay. Sometimes it seems she thinks the faster she hits the speed limit, the better. Sometimes we are all the way in the correct lane, and other times, not so much. Pulling into parking spaces often ends with, "Mom. I totally owned that!" (and then we both open our doors to look at the lines on the pavement)

Of course we have those times when the things that come out of my mouth don't register as quick as they should I would have hoped. Things like, "STOP." "Slow down." "I'm not quite sure you're in your lane all the way."

And then we have those times when Jordan, the non-licensed, non-permitted twelve year old complains of whiplash, mutters prayers, deeply (and audibly) exhales when we arrive at our destination, and even offers her own non-licensed, non-permitted backseat-driver advice (kids these days!).

My favorite quote through all of this is:

"Jordan, one thing that would reeaaalllyyy help me is if you'd just shut up and stop saying, 'OH MY GOD WE'RE GOING TO DIIEEEE!!!!' because that is unbelievably annoying and distracting and it makes me feel like you don't believe in me."

{To which Jordan replied, "Great inference, Cam."}

This whole teaching-your-kid-to-drive-thing is kind of like learning to dance. Sometimes we're on different pages, stepping on each others' feet. Other times, we're gliding along as smoothly as can be, and there have only been a couple of times when we've nearly bumped into other people (aka my hand on the emergency brake). We're figuring out our waltz, and nobody has completely lost their mind. Yet. 

I really couldn't be more proud of my girl. It seems like driving has given her a new sense of understanding what it means to be responsible, and her maturity has kicked into hyper-overdrive. Or maybe she is just growing up and her frontal lobe is doing the thing frontal lobes do during the teen years. 

Either way, life's a dance, we're learning as we go, and I wouldn't have it any other way. 

Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It...Oh!!

I live in Central Texas. Austin-ish. There's a running joke about Texas weather...32 degrees in the morning, 80 degrees by noon, vice versa, and every combination in between! The weather here is completely unpredictable. And every year at Christmas, I am totally conflicted about wrapping paper and ornaments: do I go for the snow people, do I go for our reality, or do I go for generic? This year I went with ugly Christmas sweater wrapping paper because that seemed like the safest reality around.

I've been a smidge under the weather for the last week with the flu (huge thanks to the anchorwoman who reported on the 5 o'clock news that "this year's flu vaccine is proving to not be quite as effective as the CDC hoped..." Mmmmmm hmmmm....).

Last night around 7:30, I heard a knock at my door. When I opened it to see who was there, it was my adorable across-the-street neighbors. The ones who, when I first moved in, self-proclaimed , "Now we aren't nosey and we won't be in your business, but we do sit in our front room and look out our window from sun up to sun down." The ones who anyone who has ever come to my house when I'm not here knows - because my neighbors walk over and ask them if there is any reason they are on my porch. The ones who look out for me, and I look out for them right back!

"Come on out," they said.

And in my fevery-kinda-out-of-it fog, I walked outside with them to enjoy the beauty of a rare Austin snow! It was gorgeous!! Like I wanted to cry because it was so beautiful and breathtaking! We didn't just get flurries, we got real, legit snow - and it made my heart so very happy!

The last time I went skiing, I busted my a$$ on the bunny slope. I blamed it on the near-white-out snow blizzard. It wasn't pretty (skis and poles flying - on an 84° slope), and I'm probably somebody's story...I earned it, I owned it, and I had to get a new Blackberry afterward because of the amount of snow that got into my carefully concealed phone from that fall. Blackberry? What? I don't know.

Last night was the exact same kind of snow, minus the mountains, minus the ski lifts, minus the New Mexico, minus the skis, and most definitely minus the audience. And a flood of memories helped me realize that I didn't wipe out on the bunny slope all those years ago because of the "white out," but instead because I was out of my comfort zone. It was a humbling moment for me.

Last night's snow struck a chord with me - deep down. It reminded me how far out of my comfort zone I am right now - how the last few weeks have basically been a repeat of that wipe out, and how I need to learn to get back up, dust myself off, find my skis and poles, and get back to the bottom of the "mountain" while holding my head high.

Yes, that was me who fell! And I didn't let it break me or get the best of me. Now, somebody buy me a hot toddy and laugh at me with me because I'm pretty sure I just earned it.

On my drive to work this morning, I was simply in awe of the views. I love my daily drive so much - I get to see the sunrise every single morning, and even when it blinds me, it's amazing. Today's drive was even more spectacular because every bit of it was entirely snow-kissed and sparkling.

It was, I think, just the reset I needed with everything that's going on in my life. God's plans are so much greater than what I could ever imagine. While the weatherman predicted a cold front with rain and sludge and declared that nothing would stick (because Texas weather, for the love of black ice), God had a bigger plan. And it was beautiful!

As the preacher of the church I attended in college used to say, "You know, that's a lot like life, y'all."

Indeed - God is good. He creates beauty when you're smothered in darkness. He brings cold weather that helps your fever break, both literally and figuratively. After the darkest of nights, he provides an unimaginably beautiful sight the next day.

And that, my friends, is exactly what I needed in my life - along with the incredible support I've received from my favorite people in the last few days!!

Amen.

PS - Willllsssooooonnnnnn...

The Sugar-Free (aka Not Sugar-Coated) Truth

For the first time in my life, I realize in an entirely new light how much I would do for my girls.

They are the air in my lungs.

They are the beat of my heart.

They are my pride and joy.

As of a couple of days ago, my custody situation changed with them.

Dramatically.

I worked so hard to protect them that I overprotected them.

I worked so hard to break a cycle that I missed out on life’s daily details; and as the adage goes, the devil’s in the details. 

But please be assured that I am much too strong to let this situation get the best of me.

Starting December 1st, the girls will be living with their dad for the majority of the time. And yes, I will be paying child support. 

To say I'm a bit of a mess right now doesn't even begin to cover it. My focus is out of focus. My mind is a pinball machine on an average day. There are moments when I'm not really sure which way is up. To say this has rocked me to my core is an understatement.

Because of all of this, my why has suddenly become crystal clear, and I'm going to take that as my silver lining in a tarnished reality. I want to continue giving them the things they want and need, the things they may not feel comfortable asking their dad to get for them. I want to take my girls on a mission trip each year because I believe it is important to give back to the world.

I want to provide for those in our community who are less fortunate than we are. Our struggle isn’t isolated or unique; and there are far greater needs than ours within a stone’s throw of where we live.

Right now, I’m working in a community that is overwhelmingly impoverished. I want to create a foundation of support for them. Will I work in that community forever? Probably not. Will my passion for helping those who can’t help themselves ever diminish? Nope.

My heart breaks when I see kids who have limited access to books. Reading is learning, and learning is a key piece of knowing what the world looked like in the past, what it looks like outside of your neck of the woods, and anticipating and preparing for what it might look like in the future.

I want a new roof over my head. I want a thriving garden of vegetables, and I want land with chickens and maybe a couple of goats (because cheese).

I want to be able to take the girls on college scouting trips, visit them once they’ve landed, support them in their studies, and to help make sure they never have to worry about student loans.

I want to be able to take them around the world. I want to be able to teach them what it truly means to give back to the world…experience the world…appreciate the world.

And most of all, I am hopeful for the means to provide support to other single moms who are just like me and could use an extra boost to fulfill all of the hopes and dreams they’ve set out to achieve to make their kids’ worlds a better place.

Mark my words - I won't stop until I have all of this under control, and then some! Let's do this.

Celebrations, Trials, and Tribulations

The last three months have been a roller coaster - ups, downs, twists, and turns. Surprising drops, unexpected tunnels of darkness.

Yesterday, this was my view on the way to work, and it was one of the most settling, calming moments I'd experienced in quite some time. Don't get me wrong - I am enamoured by the views my drive offers every single day, but yesterday's view was exceptional.

I love how the sun is peeking out from behind the clouds and the fog is slowly lifting. Kind of a metaphor for my life. There has been so much uncertainty, and today was a great day from the perspective of having some huge personal issues resolved.

Personally and professionally, I have learned so much about myself in the last three months. I have some big goals I'm going to accomplish, and after today, I have more motivation than ever to knock those goals square in the teeth!

My most favorite Bible verse has always been Numbers 6:24-26. Today, as always, it was precisely what I needed.

The Lord bless you and keep you;
The Lord make his face shine upon you,
And be gracious to you;
The Lord raise his countenance upon you,
And give you peace.

Amen.

Family & Leaps of Faith

My gorgeous little sister is officially married! What an amazing couple with incredible friends. I have never been to a sweeter ceremony – sincere, intimate, pretty much perfect. All of the love surrounding this entire weekend was fuel for my soul.

If you read a couple of posts back, I was really nervous and anxiety-ridden about this trip because of my own demons from the past. Getting myself from Austin to Tulsa was a huge leap of faith for me. From the second I walked into the rehearsal dinner, all of my walls fell straight to the ground. Gone in an instant (ala Keyser Söze, except with love instead of mobs and drugs and such).

Although I hadn’t met many of Samantha’s friends, they were instantly recognizable, as I have heard hilarious stories about them for as long as I can remember and I’ve seen their pictures and antics together on Facebook and Instagram. I felt like a fan girl as I hugged their sweet necks Friday night.

And then there was Saturday. Wedding day.

My dad has never looked so handsome, my step-mom was beautiful and glowing, Meg was stunning and graceful, her boyfriend Aaron was adorable. Adam was everything I thought he’d be – and more. I couldn’t imagine a better partnership if I tried – he and my sister are truly each other’s lobster.

My heart was engulfed with so much happiness all weekend long!

I got to see my Aunt Hoja and my Aunt Myra (my dad's sisters - love them with my whole entire heart!). I got to talk college football with my dad, Fantasy Football with my sister’s new mother-in-law, and parenting with my step-mom. I needed that so very much.

I have never known what it feels like to fully be part of any one family, and this weekend I felt a part of something so much greater than what I imagined...

My step-mom’s oldest daughter got married, their reception was today, my step-mom’s birthday was today, and she still made the time to pull me aside before I left today to let me know how much she cares and how much she understands everything swirling around in my mind and my world and my headspace right now. I needed to hear her words, I needed to feel that level of comfort and the “it’s-gonna-be-okay”-ness and the “this-too-shall-pass-wisdom" and that’s exactly what I got from her today.

I’ll be forever thankful for her words.

I will tell you that each time my dad comes to visit, I cry like a baby when he leaves. I just can’t help it. I’m a [mostly] rational, 42.96 year-old, and without fail, it still breaks my heart to tell him goodbye.

Being on the other end of that? Saying goodbye to my beautiful family and their friends? Much more difficult! I quite literally had to stop road-side on “Airport Terminal Road” to redo my makeup before I turned into the rental car return lot. It was bad.

And it was also so good.

Life never ceases to amaze me with the millions of blessings it bestows on me.

This weekend was no exception.

My step-mom’s words gave me the strength I need for whatever lies in my path during the next few months.

Watching my sister marry the man of her dreams in front of her very best friends was magical and faith-restoring and exactly what I needed to remind me of the importance of being grounded and confident and secure.

And now that I have made the flight from Tulsa to Dallas, while I’m waiting another hour to board my flight home to Austin, I am going to enjoy myself a big fat cheeseburger with some sweet potato fries and ketchup. Because I fit my 42.98 year-old, apple-shaped body into those dresses I vowed myself to fit into (thanks to the 800 slices of pizza, that “extra” breakfast taco”, and the countless calorie-ridden deserts and breakfast pastries I’ve turned down through the course of the last four months)! And because of the confident and secure mentions in the previous paragraph...

Here’s to the newly-wed Stockleys - cheers and best wishes for a beautiful lifetime together!

235 Hours From Now

In approximately 235 hours from this very moment, my baby sister will have just married the man of her dreams.

Whaaatttt?

In my mind, she's still 2 months old...7 months old...a toddler with a very definitive love for Pee Wee Herman, who could navigate the VCR (yup - I went there) better than the teens and adults around her, all from the reach of her mighty walker. And let's not forget those crazy adorable curls.

I have loved her with my whole entire heart since the day she was born. I was freshly twelve when she arrived, and she was the cutest thing in the whole entire world!

That cuteness hasn't left her for a single day, although it's now firmly rooted within her adorable personality. She is so smart and wise beyond her years. She is the perfect combination of my dad and her mom and our younger sister Meg - completely gorgeous. She's a writer. A blessing to her friends and family; witty, empathetic, bold, talented, and determined; and I cannot wait to see her in T-minus 8.5 days and counting.

Meg is just as remarkable as Samantha, and I'm dying to see her, too! She's dominating the Maid of Honor checklist!

Here's the thing - I spent the first five years of my life in Oklahoma. I was born an Okie from (and in) Muskogee, just like the song. In 1980, I was transplanted into the Texas Panhandle, and the first 12 years of my life kept me feeling strongly that Oklahoma was my home because I spent a good portion of my non-school time in Tulsa and a tiny outskirt town, Wagoner, because collectively, that's where my Granny, my dad, and my Grandma lived.

Samantha was born in November of 1986. My Granny got to meet her during the Christmas break that year. I remember feeling so proud to show my baby sister off to my Granny!

A month later, my Granny went into the hospital for "tests." A couple of days later, she was diagnosed with cancer, and in early February, cancer won.

I visited my dad every summer for the next few years, and then my own social life took over.

After high school, I went to the University of Tulsa for a year before heading back home and finishing my undergrad at Texas Tech (Wreck 'Em!). My dad's mom passed away in 2002 just a month or so after I found out Cambria was on her way into the world; I took Cambria to Tulsa in 2003, and I honestly haven't been back since then.

Here's the paradox.

I am so excited to see my sisters, my dad, and my family next weekend!! I cannot wait to celebrate and catch up and take it all in.

In the same breath, I haven't been back to Oklahoma since 2003. I'm staying in a hotel right by the University of Tulsa.

I can't wait to drive by my Granny's old house (and I say that in the least-creepy way possible).

I am nervous that I won't be able to find my Granny's grave to pay it some floral love.

There is a part of me that is absolutely terrified about the emotions I'm going to experience next weekend, and there is a part of me that is absolutely ecstatic about the emotions I'm going to experience next weekend.

Right now, I'm just trying to sort through the pie-chart-balancing-act of what that's going to look like.

Happiness? In abundance! There are so many places I want to visit to put my early years into perspective as an adult. For instance - the Golden Driller. Is he as huge as I remember? Woodward Park and Utica Square - as lovely as ever? Swan Lake - still magical?

Sadness & reflection? There will be plenty. Going to the cemetery will be rough...every time I have thought about it (since January), I get emotional. I also think there is an emotional release that my soul needs to experience, and I am trying to mentally prepare myself for that.

Pure bliss? Duh! My sister is getting married! I get to be a witness to their commitment! I get to see her pure joy in starting a new chapter in life!

This week, I am going to be very focused on what I can and cannot control. I'm going to be focused on letting the positive defeat the negative. I'm going to try to figure out how to find a healthy balance in visiting my past, reflecting on it, feeling blessed by all I've learned from it, and not letting it get the best of me.

I know I am capable of doing this.

But I'm scared I might fail.

Scared is an understatement.

Truthfully, I'm terrified.

I know deep down in my heart that the joy and celebrations of next weekend will far outweigh everything else, but until I'm in the moment, my anxiety is already getting the very best of me.

I think that makes me either a paradox or an oxymoron.

I'd rather be a paradox.

Aside from seeing my amazing family, I'm aiming for one more silver lining. I hope I can endure and manage the emotions that will come with next weekend, and I hope that will be a tipping point for me so I can take the girls with me next time. There is so much beauty and culture to experience - and I don't want my own ghosts to keep them away from a single bit of that beauty!

And once again, writing is my best therapy. Getting it all out there into the interwebs and off of my chest makes me feel infinitely better!

Have a wonderful weekend, friends, and here's to the almost-Stockleys!

When Life Gives You Lemons...

...go to the pumpkin patch.

But only if it's like...late September or October. Otherwise, that would be kinda weird.

There is something magical about the pumpkin patch in Buda. Maybe it's because I've been taking the girls there since they were really, really little. Maybe it's the ambiance. Maybe it's the people. Maybe its comfortable, familiar, and a tradition for the three of us as we are navigating through some difficult waters.

I'm feeling nostalgic, so here's a walk through a few of our pumpkin patch memories!

2005

(Pretty sure this one was Photoshopped by necessity - Cam was still, 

Jor was wiggly...notice the line on Cam's left arm. #amateur)

2008

2010

2011

2012

2017

The pumpkin patch makes me happy. It signals the beginning of fall, which is my favorite season: football, leaves, cooler weather, beautiful sunrises, red wine, Autumn Moons, fun decorations, and freshly roasted pumpkin seeds. It feels really good to have a little bit of normal amidst the chaos.  

And the Oscar Goes To...

Well, it's not LaLa Land, although that's how my life has felt recently.

I think the Oscar might actually go to me for Best Reaction to the Biggest Shock of My Life.

Except there was no speech, nothing fancy, no red carpet.

Just me and an envelope, left on the counter by the girls, at their dad's request.

I'll be the first to tell you that raising two girls isn't easy. Raising two girls when you know you have a fair amount of karma due to you is a little tougher. Being a single mom adds a new dimension; but having to share parenting responsibilities with someone who has a completely different set of values than you? Let's just say the struggle is real and I'm suddenly driving the bus.

At the moment, I have no idea what the future has in store for me, but this is one of my mantras right now...

Moving On

About eight months ago, I decided I was ready for a change in my life. It wasn't a shorter hair cut, highlights, bangs (gasp), a brighter shade of lipstick, or anything superficial. It was time for a big change. A fundamental and philosophical change. This became my mantra as I worked my way through January (thank you, Lacy!).

This image was in the front cover of my Personal Passion Planner for the 2017 year, and it motivated me each and every day.

Two pages further into my Passion Planner were my goals for the first six months of 2017. Aside from Learning List, I am thrilled to have achieved all of my goals!!

As I type this, I can't even believe that it was 2 days before my 6 month goal that I started fulfilling my dreams of tackling something new in Luling ISD! On July 17th, I started my new job as Coordinator of Secondary Curriculum and Instruction, at at the end of my 3rd week, I was retitled as the Director of Secondary Curriculum and Instruction.

{At which point I pinched myself to make sure I was living in reality!}

Dreams do come true, and my prayers have truly been answered.

Goal setting and actionable steps are an amazing thing, and I am prayerfully thankful for landing exactly where I was meant to be.

Yesterday was my first day with the full staff of the Jr. High and High School. Incredible people!

We were treated to a lunch by the First United Methodist Church, and I only wish I had the words to capture how much this thoughtful and heart-felt gesture meant to me. I will forever cherish my hand cross I was given (hand-crafted by the pastor), and I know I will depend on it many times throughout this year and through the rest of my life.

With nearly a month of solid foundation-building in place and two of my favorites on board with me, tomorrow the real fun starts! I get to introduce the structure of this year's learning and growth to the secondary teachers in Luling.

In my years of education, if I have learned one thing, I have learned that teachers like prizes and acknowledgement. So you better believe I'm ready!! Here's my inventory for the rest of this week...I adore loving on people, and there is nothing better than a shopping trip for teachers you want to support!

I am so thankful for all of the lessons I've learned from the people in my past (RIP, Figment Soup), and I welcome with open arms this next adventure in this thing called life!

Many blessings...

New Beginnings!

I did something radical two weeks ago.

I deleted - *deleted* - everything from Figment Soup. Eight years of my life.

Eight of the most challenging years of my life.

Eight years of my life that proved to me my strength. Half that time was spent learning how strong I was, and half that time was spent refining my values and beliefs.

Two weeks ago, I needed to mark that as my past, and I needed have a clear delineation of what it means to move on from a tired, exhausted, worn out past into a vibrant, fresh start.

So I did it.

It wasn't easy. There were hesitations. I left behind some of my favorite stories and images along with some of my worst memories and emotional scars.

I did it because there are better, brighter, happier things ahead!

Figment Soup will always hold a tiny place in a my heart, and this next adventure is going to be about the life I'm living instead of the life I left behind.

Am I a slow learner?

Yup.

Am I an emotional horder?

Apparently so.

Am I already enjoying every single bit of my new perspective on life?

Absolutely!!

Let's do this...