Whaaatttt?
In my mind, she's still 2 months old...7 months old...a toddler with a very definitive love for Pee Wee Herman, who could navigate the VCR (yup - I went there) better than the teens and adults around her, all from the reach of her mighty walker. And let's not forget those crazy adorable curls.
I have loved her with my whole entire heart since the day she was born. I was freshly twelve when she arrived, and she was the cutest thing in the whole entire world!
That cuteness hasn't left her for a single day, although it's now firmly rooted within her adorable personality. She is so smart and wise beyond her years. She is the perfect combination of my dad and her mom and our younger sister Meg - completely gorgeous. She's a writer. A blessing to her friends and family; witty, empathetic, bold, talented, and determined; and I cannot wait to see her in T-minus 8.5 days and counting.
Here's the thing - I spent the first five years of my life in Oklahoma. I was born an Okie from (and in) Muskogee, just like the song. In 1980, I was transplanted into the Texas Panhandle, and the first 12 years of my life kept me feeling strongly that Oklahoma was my home because I spent a good portion of my non-school time in Tulsa and a tiny outskirt town, Wagoner, because collectively, that's where my Granny, my dad, and my Grandma lived.
Samantha was born in November of 1986. My Granny got to meet her during the Christmas break that year. I remember feeling so proud to show my baby sister off to my Granny!
A month later, my Granny went into the hospital for "tests." A couple of days later, she was diagnosed with cancer, and in early February, cancer won.
I visited my dad every summer for the next few years, and then my own social life took over.
After high school, I went to the University of Tulsa for a year before heading back home and finishing my undergrad at Texas Tech (Wreck 'Em!). My dad's mom passed away in 2002 just a month or so after I found out Cambria was on her way into the world; I took Cambria to Tulsa in 2003, and I honestly haven't been back since then.
Here's the paradox.
I am so excited to see my sisters, my dad, and my family next weekend!! I cannot wait to celebrate and catch up and take it all in.
In the same breath, I haven't been back to Oklahoma since 2003. I'm staying in a hotel right by the University of Tulsa.
I can't wait to drive by my Granny's old house (and I say that in the least-creepy way possible).
I am nervous that I won't be able to find my Granny's grave to pay it some floral love.
There is a part of me that is absolutely terrified about the emotions I'm going to experience next weekend, and there is a part of me that is absolutely ecstatic about the emotions I'm going to experience next weekend.
Right now, I'm just trying to sort through the pie-chart-balancing-act of what that's going to look like.
Happiness? In abundance! There are so many places I want to visit to put my early years into perspective as an adult. For instance - the Golden Driller. Is he as huge as I remember? Woodward Park and Utica Square - as lovely as ever? Swan Lake - still magical?
Sadness & reflection? There will be plenty. Going to the cemetery will be rough...every time I have thought about it (since January), I get emotional. I also think there is an emotional release that my soul needs to experience, and I am trying to mentally prepare myself for that.
Pure bliss? Duh! My sister is getting married! I get to be a witness to their commitment! I get to see her pure joy in starting a new chapter in life!
This week, I am going to be very focused on what I can and cannot control. I'm going to be focused on letting the positive defeat the negative. I'm going to try to figure out how to find a healthy balance in visiting my past, reflecting on it, feeling blessed by all I've learned from it, and not letting it get the best of me.
I know I am capable of doing this.
But I'm scared I might fail.
Scared is an understatement.
Truthfully, I'm terrified.
I know deep down in my heart that the joy and celebrations of next weekend will far outweigh everything else, but until I'm in the moment, my anxiety is already getting the very best of me.
I think that makes me either a paradox or an oxymoron.
I'd rather be a paradox.
Aside from seeing my amazing family, I'm aiming for one more silver lining. I hope I can endure and manage the emotions that will come with next weekend, and I hope that will be a tipping point for me so I can take the girls with me next time. There is so much beauty and culture to experience - and I don't want my own ghosts to keep them away from a single bit of that beauty!
And once again, writing is my best therapy. Getting it all out there into the interwebs and off of my chest makes me feel infinitely better!
Have a wonderful weekend, friends, and here's to the almost-Stockleys!
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