The Sugar-Free (aka Not Sugar-Coated) Truth

For the first time in my life, I realize in an entirely new light how much I would do for my girls.

They are the air in my lungs.

They are the beat of my heart.

They are my pride and joy.

As of a couple of days ago, my custody situation changed with them.

Dramatically.

I worked so hard to protect them that I overprotected them.

I worked so hard to break a cycle that I missed out on life’s daily details; and as the adage goes, the devil’s in the details. 

But please be assured that I am much too strong to let this situation get the best of me.

Starting December 1st, the girls will be living with their dad for the majority of the time. And yes, I will be paying child support. 

To say I'm a bit of a mess right now doesn't even begin to cover it. My focus is out of focus. My mind is a pinball machine on an average day. There are moments when I'm not really sure which way is up. To say this has rocked me to my core is an understatement.

Because of all of this, my why has suddenly become crystal clear, and I'm going to take that as my silver lining in a tarnished reality. I want to continue giving them the things they want and need, the things they may not feel comfortable asking their dad to get for them. I want to take my girls on a mission trip each year because I believe it is important to give back to the world.

I want to provide for those in our community who are less fortunate than we are. Our struggle isn’t isolated or unique; and there are far greater needs than ours within a stone’s throw of where we live.

Right now, I’m working in a community that is overwhelmingly impoverished. I want to create a foundation of support for them. Will I work in that community forever? Probably not. Will my passion for helping those who can’t help themselves ever diminish? Nope.

My heart breaks when I see kids who have limited access to books. Reading is learning, and learning is a key piece of knowing what the world looked like in the past, what it looks like outside of your neck of the woods, and anticipating and preparing for what it might look like in the future.

I want a new roof over my head. I want a thriving garden of vegetables, and I want land with chickens and maybe a couple of goats (because cheese).

I want to be able to take the girls on college scouting trips, visit them once they’ve landed, support them in their studies, and to help make sure they never have to worry about student loans.

I want to be able to take them around the world. I want to be able to teach them what it truly means to give back to the world…experience the world…appreciate the world.

And most of all, I am hopeful for the means to provide support to other single moms who are just like me and could use an extra boost to fulfill all of the hopes and dreams they’ve set out to achieve to make their kids’ worlds a better place.

Mark my words - I won't stop until I have all of this under control, and then some! Let's do this.

Celebrations, Trials, and Tribulations

The last three months have been a roller coaster - ups, downs, twists, and turns. Surprising drops, unexpected tunnels of darkness.

Yesterday, this was my view on the way to work, and it was one of the most settling, calming moments I'd experienced in quite some time. Don't get me wrong - I am enamoured by the views my drive offers every single day, but yesterday's view was exceptional.

I love how the sun is peeking out from behind the clouds and the fog is slowly lifting. Kind of a metaphor for my life. There has been so much uncertainty, and today was a great day from the perspective of having some huge personal issues resolved.

Personally and professionally, I have learned so much about myself in the last three months. I have some big goals I'm going to accomplish, and after today, I have more motivation than ever to knock those goals square in the teeth!

My most favorite Bible verse has always been Numbers 6:24-26. Today, as always, it was precisely what I needed.

The Lord bless you and keep you;
The Lord make his face shine upon you,
And be gracious to you;
The Lord raise his countenance upon you,
And give you peace.

Amen.

Family & Leaps of Faith

My gorgeous little sister is officially married! What an amazing couple with incredible friends. I have never been to a sweeter ceremony – sincere, intimate, pretty much perfect. All of the love surrounding this entire weekend was fuel for my soul.

If you read a couple of posts back, I was really nervous and anxiety-ridden about this trip because of my own demons from the past. Getting myself from Austin to Tulsa was a huge leap of faith for me. From the second I walked into the rehearsal dinner, all of my walls fell straight to the ground. Gone in an instant (ala Keyser Söze, except with love instead of mobs and drugs and such).

Although I hadn’t met many of Samantha’s friends, they were instantly recognizable, as I have heard hilarious stories about them for as long as I can remember and I’ve seen their pictures and antics together on Facebook and Instagram. I felt like a fan girl as I hugged their sweet necks Friday night.

And then there was Saturday. Wedding day.

My dad has never looked so handsome, my step-mom was beautiful and glowing, Meg was stunning and graceful, her boyfriend Aaron was adorable. Adam was everything I thought he’d be – and more. I couldn’t imagine a better partnership if I tried – he and my sister are truly each other’s lobster.

My heart was engulfed with so much happiness all weekend long!

I got to see my Aunt Hoja and my Aunt Myra (my dad's sisters - love them with my whole entire heart!). I got to talk college football with my dad, Fantasy Football with my sister’s new mother-in-law, and parenting with my step-mom. I needed that so very much.

I have never known what it feels like to fully be part of any one family, and this weekend I felt a part of something so much greater than what I imagined...

My step-mom’s oldest daughter got married, their reception was today, my step-mom’s birthday was today, and she still made the time to pull me aside before I left today to let me know how much she cares and how much she understands everything swirling around in my mind and my world and my headspace right now. I needed to hear her words, I needed to feel that level of comfort and the “it’s-gonna-be-okay”-ness and the “this-too-shall-pass-wisdom" and that’s exactly what I got from her today.

I’ll be forever thankful for her words.

I will tell you that each time my dad comes to visit, I cry like a baby when he leaves. I just can’t help it. I’m a [mostly] rational, 42.96 year-old, and without fail, it still breaks my heart to tell him goodbye.

Being on the other end of that? Saying goodbye to my beautiful family and their friends? Much more difficult! I quite literally had to stop road-side on “Airport Terminal Road” to redo my makeup before I turned into the rental car return lot. It was bad.

And it was also so good.

Life never ceases to amaze me with the millions of blessings it bestows on me.

This weekend was no exception.

My step-mom’s words gave me the strength I need for whatever lies in my path during the next few months.

Watching my sister marry the man of her dreams in front of her very best friends was magical and faith-restoring and exactly what I needed to remind me of the importance of being grounded and confident and secure.

And now that I have made the flight from Tulsa to Dallas, while I’m waiting another hour to board my flight home to Austin, I am going to enjoy myself a big fat cheeseburger with some sweet potato fries and ketchup. Because I fit my 42.98 year-old, apple-shaped body into those dresses I vowed myself to fit into (thanks to the 800 slices of pizza, that “extra” breakfast taco”, and the countless calorie-ridden deserts and breakfast pastries I’ve turned down through the course of the last four months)! And because of the confident and secure mentions in the previous paragraph...

Here’s to the newly-wed Stockleys - cheers and best wishes for a beautiful lifetime together!

235 Hours From Now

In approximately 235 hours from this very moment, my baby sister will have just married the man of her dreams.

Whaaatttt?

In my mind, she's still 2 months old...7 months old...a toddler with a very definitive love for Pee Wee Herman, who could navigate the VCR (yup - I went there) better than the teens and adults around her, all from the reach of her mighty walker. And let's not forget those crazy adorable curls.

I have loved her with my whole entire heart since the day she was born. I was freshly twelve when she arrived, and she was the cutest thing in the whole entire world!

That cuteness hasn't left her for a single day, although it's now firmly rooted within her adorable personality. She is so smart and wise beyond her years. She is the perfect combination of my dad and her mom and our younger sister Meg - completely gorgeous. She's a writer. A blessing to her friends and family; witty, empathetic, bold, talented, and determined; and I cannot wait to see her in T-minus 8.5 days and counting.

Meg is just as remarkable as Samantha, and I'm dying to see her, too! She's dominating the Maid of Honor checklist!

Here's the thing - I spent the first five years of my life in Oklahoma. I was born an Okie from (and in) Muskogee, just like the song. In 1980, I was transplanted into the Texas Panhandle, and the first 12 years of my life kept me feeling strongly that Oklahoma was my home because I spent a good portion of my non-school time in Tulsa and a tiny outskirt town, Wagoner, because collectively, that's where my Granny, my dad, and my Grandma lived.

Samantha was born in November of 1986. My Granny got to meet her during the Christmas break that year. I remember feeling so proud to show my baby sister off to my Granny!

A month later, my Granny went into the hospital for "tests." A couple of days later, she was diagnosed with cancer, and in early February, cancer won.

I visited my dad every summer for the next few years, and then my own social life took over.

After high school, I went to the University of Tulsa for a year before heading back home and finishing my undergrad at Texas Tech (Wreck 'Em!). My dad's mom passed away in 2002 just a month or so after I found out Cambria was on her way into the world; I took Cambria to Tulsa in 2003, and I honestly haven't been back since then.

Here's the paradox.

I am so excited to see my sisters, my dad, and my family next weekend!! I cannot wait to celebrate and catch up and take it all in.

In the same breath, I haven't been back to Oklahoma since 2003. I'm staying in a hotel right by the University of Tulsa.

I can't wait to drive by my Granny's old house (and I say that in the least-creepy way possible).

I am nervous that I won't be able to find my Granny's grave to pay it some floral love.

There is a part of me that is absolutely terrified about the emotions I'm going to experience next weekend, and there is a part of me that is absolutely ecstatic about the emotions I'm going to experience next weekend.

Right now, I'm just trying to sort through the pie-chart-balancing-act of what that's going to look like.

Happiness? In abundance! There are so many places I want to visit to put my early years into perspective as an adult. For instance - the Golden Driller. Is he as huge as I remember? Woodward Park and Utica Square - as lovely as ever? Swan Lake - still magical?

Sadness & reflection? There will be plenty. Going to the cemetery will be rough...every time I have thought about it (since January), I get emotional. I also think there is an emotional release that my soul needs to experience, and I am trying to mentally prepare myself for that.

Pure bliss? Duh! My sister is getting married! I get to be a witness to their commitment! I get to see her pure joy in starting a new chapter in life!

This week, I am going to be very focused on what I can and cannot control. I'm going to be focused on letting the positive defeat the negative. I'm going to try to figure out how to find a healthy balance in visiting my past, reflecting on it, feeling blessed by all I've learned from it, and not letting it get the best of me.

I know I am capable of doing this.

But I'm scared I might fail.

Scared is an understatement.

Truthfully, I'm terrified.

I know deep down in my heart that the joy and celebrations of next weekend will far outweigh everything else, but until I'm in the moment, my anxiety is already getting the very best of me.

I think that makes me either a paradox or an oxymoron.

I'd rather be a paradox.

Aside from seeing my amazing family, I'm aiming for one more silver lining. I hope I can endure and manage the emotions that will come with next weekend, and I hope that will be a tipping point for me so I can take the girls with me next time. There is so much beauty and culture to experience - and I don't want my own ghosts to keep them away from a single bit of that beauty!

And once again, writing is my best therapy. Getting it all out there into the interwebs and off of my chest makes me feel infinitely better!

Have a wonderful weekend, friends, and here's to the almost-Stockleys!

When Life Gives You Lemons...

...go to the pumpkin patch.

But only if it's like...late September or October. Otherwise, that would be kinda weird.

There is something magical about the pumpkin patch in Buda. Maybe it's because I've been taking the girls there since they were really, really little. Maybe it's the ambiance. Maybe it's the people. Maybe its comfortable, familiar, and a tradition for the three of us as we are navigating through some difficult waters.

I'm feeling nostalgic, so here's a walk through a few of our pumpkin patch memories!

2005

(Pretty sure this one was Photoshopped by necessity - Cam was still, 

Jor was wiggly...notice the line on Cam's left arm. #amateur)

2008

2010

2011

2012

2017

The pumpkin patch makes me happy. It signals the beginning of fall, which is my favorite season: football, leaves, cooler weather, beautiful sunrises, red wine, Autumn Moons, fun decorations, and freshly roasted pumpkin seeds. It feels really good to have a little bit of normal amidst the chaos.