Ten and Two

This was pretty cute eleven years ago when I didn't have the foresight to think about the reality of the day my girls would start driving, when I was so caught up in the cuteness of my kids, when I could walk behind the Barbie Jeep and stop it with one hand if I needed to... 

And out of nowhere, Cambria finished her online Drivers' Ed course. She turned 15 on November 21st, and on December 4th, she got her permit!!

I have been told this is a good thing. I am trying to convince myself to believe the people who have said that this is a good thing because right now I'm little stuck in the bittersweetness of it all.

I do have to compliment Cam for doing a fantastic job in her first two weeks of being someone with permission to drive, granted by the Great State of Texas.

I am sure Heidi Murkoff is a wonderful person - after all, she held our hands through every single one of the "What to Expect When You're..." (Expecting...In the First Year...In the Second Year) books, and we appreciated her for that and we turned to her for advice - to make sure we weren't completely screwing things up in those first 33 months of our little human's lives.

I am a little bit disappointed that there isn't a book titled, "What to Expect When You're Sitting in the Front Passenger Seat with Your New Driver" because that would have been super helpful right about now.

Just saying...

Our first official outing was to Target (of course it was). Before we left our house, she had these "guidelines" for me:

1. "You're going to have to tell me when to go if there are a lot of cars. If there aren't a lot of cars, you just have to trust me."
2. "If I'm not all the way in my lane, you have to tell me, but say it quietly - not in a loud voice - because I have to concentrate."
3. "You can't hang on to the "oh $hi+ bar" because that makes me feel like you don't have confidence in me."
4. "There is a big difference between saying STOP and saying slow down, so think before you say it or I might accidentally slam the brakes for no reason."
5. "At stoplights, you might have to remind me when to go and when to not go." 

Fair enough...I completely appreciated the heads up she gave me! 

As we walked out to the car and Cam hopped into the drivers' seat (where she looked like she was six years old all over again), Jordan gave me a few of her own directives:

1. "You can't talk to her while she's driving."
2. "She can't have the radio on."
3. "Make her concentrate."
4. "Don't let her be a distracted driver."
5. "Buckle your seatbelt and hang on tight - but not on that handle because it makes her nervous."

Y'all, my girl is serious when she's driving. Ten and two. Laser-like focus. Love it. 

At the first stoplight we came to, she said, "Thank God - my eyes were about to water. I can blink now!"

Sometimes we go really, really slow in places that don't imply slowness, and that's okay. Sometimes it seems she thinks the faster she hits the speed limit, the better. Sometimes we are all the way in the correct lane, and other times, not so much. Pulling into parking spaces often ends with, "Mom. I totally owned that!" (and then we both open our doors to look at the lines on the pavement)

Of course we have those times when the things that come out of my mouth don't register as quick as they should I would have hoped. Things like, "STOP." "Slow down." "I'm not quite sure you're in your lane all the way."

And then we have those times when Jordan, the non-licensed, non-permitted twelve year old complains of whiplash, mutters prayers, deeply (and audibly) exhales when we arrive at our destination, and even offers her own non-licensed, non-permitted backseat-driver advice (kids these days!).

My favorite quote through all of this is:

"Jordan, one thing that would reeaaalllyyy help me is if you'd just shut up and stop saying, 'OH MY GOD WE'RE GOING TO DIIEEEE!!!!' because that is unbelievably annoying and distracting and it makes me feel like you don't believe in me."

{To which Jordan replied, "Great inference, Cam."}

This whole teaching-your-kid-to-drive-thing is kind of like learning to dance. Sometimes we're on different pages, stepping on each others' feet. Other times, we're gliding along as smoothly as can be, and there have only been a couple of times when we've nearly bumped into other people (aka my hand on the emergency brake). We're figuring out our waltz, and nobody has completely lost their mind. Yet. 

I really couldn't be more proud of my girl. It seems like driving has given her a new sense of understanding what it means to be responsible, and her maturity has kicked into hyper-overdrive. Or maybe she is just growing up and her frontal lobe is doing the thing frontal lobes do during the teen years. 

Either way, life's a dance, we're learning as we go, and I wouldn't have it any other way. 

Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It...Oh!!

I live in Central Texas. Austin-ish. There's a running joke about Texas weather...32 degrees in the morning, 80 degrees by noon, vice versa, and every combination in between! The weather here is completely unpredictable. And every year at Christmas, I am totally conflicted about wrapping paper and ornaments: do I go for the snow people, do I go for our reality, or do I go for generic? This year I went with ugly Christmas sweater wrapping paper because that seemed like the safest reality around.

I've been a smidge under the weather for the last week with the flu (huge thanks to the anchorwoman who reported on the 5 o'clock news that "this year's flu vaccine is proving to not be quite as effective as the CDC hoped..." Mmmmmm hmmmm....).

Last night around 7:30, I heard a knock at my door. When I opened it to see who was there, it was my adorable across-the-street neighbors. The ones who, when I first moved in, self-proclaimed , "Now we aren't nosey and we won't be in your business, but we do sit in our front room and look out our window from sun up to sun down." The ones who anyone who has ever come to my house when I'm not here knows - because my neighbors walk over and ask them if there is any reason they are on my porch. The ones who look out for me, and I look out for them right back!

"Come on out," they said.

And in my fevery-kinda-out-of-it fog, I walked outside with them to enjoy the beauty of a rare Austin snow! It was gorgeous!! Like I wanted to cry because it was so beautiful and breathtaking! We didn't just get flurries, we got real, legit snow - and it made my heart so very happy!

The last time I went skiing, I busted my a$$ on the bunny slope. I blamed it on the near-white-out snow blizzard. It wasn't pretty (skis and poles flying - on an 84° slope), and I'm probably somebody's story...I earned it, I owned it, and I had to get a new Blackberry afterward because of the amount of snow that got into my carefully concealed phone from that fall. Blackberry? What? I don't know.

Last night was the exact same kind of snow, minus the mountains, minus the ski lifts, minus the New Mexico, minus the skis, and most definitely minus the audience. And a flood of memories helped me realize that I didn't wipe out on the bunny slope all those years ago because of the "white out," but instead because I was out of my comfort zone. It was a humbling moment for me.

Last night's snow struck a chord with me - deep down. It reminded me how far out of my comfort zone I am right now - how the last few weeks have basically been a repeat of that wipe out, and how I need to learn to get back up, dust myself off, find my skis and poles, and get back to the bottom of the "mountain" while holding my head high.

Yes, that was me who fell! And I didn't let it break me or get the best of me. Now, somebody buy me a hot toddy and laugh at me with me because I'm pretty sure I just earned it.

On my drive to work this morning, I was simply in awe of the views. I love my daily drive so much - I get to see the sunrise every single morning, and even when it blinds me, it's amazing. Today's drive was even more spectacular because every bit of it was entirely snow-kissed and sparkling.

It was, I think, just the reset I needed with everything that's going on in my life. God's plans are so much greater than what I could ever imagine. While the weatherman predicted a cold front with rain and sludge and declared that nothing would stick (because Texas weather, for the love of black ice), God had a bigger plan. And it was beautiful!

As the preacher of the church I attended in college used to say, "You know, that's a lot like life, y'all."

Indeed - God is good. He creates beauty when you're smothered in darkness. He brings cold weather that helps your fever break, both literally and figuratively. After the darkest of nights, he provides an unimaginably beautiful sight the next day.

And that, my friends, is exactly what I needed in my life - along with the incredible support I've received from my favorite people in the last few days!!

Amen.

PS - Willllsssooooonnnnnn...

The Sugar-Free (aka Not Sugar-Coated) Truth

For the first time in my life, I realize in an entirely new light how much I would do for my girls.

They are the air in my lungs.

They are the beat of my heart.

They are my pride and joy.

As of a couple of days ago, my custody situation changed with them.

Dramatically.

I worked so hard to protect them that I overprotected them.

I worked so hard to break a cycle that I missed out on life’s daily details; and as the adage goes, the devil’s in the details. 

But please be assured that I am much too strong to let this situation get the best of me.

Starting December 1st, the girls will be living with their dad for the majority of the time. And yes, I will be paying child support. 

To say I'm a bit of a mess right now doesn't even begin to cover it. My focus is out of focus. My mind is a pinball machine on an average day. There are moments when I'm not really sure which way is up. To say this has rocked me to my core is an understatement.

Because of all of this, my why has suddenly become crystal clear, and I'm going to take that as my silver lining in a tarnished reality. I want to continue giving them the things they want and need, the things they may not feel comfortable asking their dad to get for them. I want to take my girls on a mission trip each year because I believe it is important to give back to the world.

I want to provide for those in our community who are less fortunate than we are. Our struggle isn’t isolated or unique; and there are far greater needs than ours within a stone’s throw of where we live.

Right now, I’m working in a community that is overwhelmingly impoverished. I want to create a foundation of support for them. Will I work in that community forever? Probably not. Will my passion for helping those who can’t help themselves ever diminish? Nope.

My heart breaks when I see kids who have limited access to books. Reading is learning, and learning is a key piece of knowing what the world looked like in the past, what it looks like outside of your neck of the woods, and anticipating and preparing for what it might look like in the future.

I want a new roof over my head. I want a thriving garden of vegetables, and I want land with chickens and maybe a couple of goats (because cheese).

I want to be able to take the girls on college scouting trips, visit them once they’ve landed, support them in their studies, and to help make sure they never have to worry about student loans.

I want to be able to take them around the world. I want to be able to teach them what it truly means to give back to the world…experience the world…appreciate the world.

And most of all, I am hopeful for the means to provide support to other single moms who are just like me and could use an extra boost to fulfill all of the hopes and dreams they’ve set out to achieve to make their kids’ worlds a better place.

Mark my words - I won't stop until I have all of this under control, and then some! Let's do this.

Celebrations, Trials, and Tribulations

The last three months have been a roller coaster - ups, downs, twists, and turns. Surprising drops, unexpected tunnels of darkness.

Yesterday, this was my view on the way to work, and it was one of the most settling, calming moments I'd experienced in quite some time. Don't get me wrong - I am enamoured by the views my drive offers every single day, but yesterday's view was exceptional.

I love how the sun is peeking out from behind the clouds and the fog is slowly lifting. Kind of a metaphor for my life. There has been so much uncertainty, and today was a great day from the perspective of having some huge personal issues resolved.

Personally and professionally, I have learned so much about myself in the last three months. I have some big goals I'm going to accomplish, and after today, I have more motivation than ever to knock those goals square in the teeth!

My most favorite Bible verse has always been Numbers 6:24-26. Today, as always, it was precisely what I needed.

The Lord bless you and keep you;
The Lord make his face shine upon you,
And be gracious to you;
The Lord raise his countenance upon you,
And give you peace.

Amen.

Family & Leaps of Faith

My gorgeous little sister is officially married! What an amazing couple with incredible friends. I have never been to a sweeter ceremony – sincere, intimate, pretty much perfect. All of the love surrounding this entire weekend was fuel for my soul.

If you read a couple of posts back, I was really nervous and anxiety-ridden about this trip because of my own demons from the past. Getting myself from Austin to Tulsa was a huge leap of faith for me. From the second I walked into the rehearsal dinner, all of my walls fell straight to the ground. Gone in an instant (ala Keyser Söze, except with love instead of mobs and drugs and such).

Although I hadn’t met many of Samantha’s friends, they were instantly recognizable, as I have heard hilarious stories about them for as long as I can remember and I’ve seen their pictures and antics together on Facebook and Instagram. I felt like a fan girl as I hugged their sweet necks Friday night.

And then there was Saturday. Wedding day.

My dad has never looked so handsome, my step-mom was beautiful and glowing, Meg was stunning and graceful, her boyfriend Aaron was adorable. Adam was everything I thought he’d be – and more. I couldn’t imagine a better partnership if I tried – he and my sister are truly each other’s lobster.

My heart was engulfed with so much happiness all weekend long!

I got to see my Aunt Hoja and my Aunt Myra (my dad's sisters - love them with my whole entire heart!). I got to talk college football with my dad, Fantasy Football with my sister’s new mother-in-law, and parenting with my step-mom. I needed that so very much.

I have never known what it feels like to fully be part of any one family, and this weekend I felt a part of something so much greater than what I imagined...

My step-mom’s oldest daughter got married, their reception was today, my step-mom’s birthday was today, and she still made the time to pull me aside before I left today to let me know how much she cares and how much she understands everything swirling around in my mind and my world and my headspace right now. I needed to hear her words, I needed to feel that level of comfort and the “it’s-gonna-be-okay”-ness and the “this-too-shall-pass-wisdom" and that’s exactly what I got from her today.

I’ll be forever thankful for her words.

I will tell you that each time my dad comes to visit, I cry like a baby when he leaves. I just can’t help it. I’m a [mostly] rational, 42.96 year-old, and without fail, it still breaks my heart to tell him goodbye.

Being on the other end of that? Saying goodbye to my beautiful family and their friends? Much more difficult! I quite literally had to stop road-side on “Airport Terminal Road” to redo my makeup before I turned into the rental car return lot. It was bad.

And it was also so good.

Life never ceases to amaze me with the millions of blessings it bestows on me.

This weekend was no exception.

My step-mom’s words gave me the strength I need for whatever lies in my path during the next few months.

Watching my sister marry the man of her dreams in front of her very best friends was magical and faith-restoring and exactly what I needed to remind me of the importance of being grounded and confident and secure.

And now that I have made the flight from Tulsa to Dallas, while I’m waiting another hour to board my flight home to Austin, I am going to enjoy myself a big fat cheeseburger with some sweet potato fries and ketchup. Because I fit my 42.98 year-old, apple-shaped body into those dresses I vowed myself to fit into (thanks to the 800 slices of pizza, that “extra” breakfast taco”, and the countless calorie-ridden deserts and breakfast pastries I’ve turned down through the course of the last four months)! And because of the confident and secure mentions in the previous paragraph...

Here’s to the newly-wed Stockleys - cheers and best wishes for a beautiful lifetime together!